


I loved and I loved...

by Nephilim_Becca



Series: It Never Rains Forever [2]
Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec is 17 (Just), Angst, Depression, I created a name for Catarina's mother... oops!, I hope, Izzy is still the best sibling ever!, Jace and Izzy are 15, Jace is supportive too!, Loss, Minor Character Death, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 12:42:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18571726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nephilim_Becca/pseuds/Nephilim_Becca
Summary: ... And I Lost You"The doctor's think he's not going to make it." She said, her voice breaking. Alec forced himself to swallow as the rest of his body froze, as if everything was going in slow motion, and his sister's shout seemed faded. His sight was unfocused as he stared ahead, thinking about what his mother had just said.





	I loved and I loved...

**Author's Note:**

> Story title taken from 'Hurts Like Hell' by Fleurie  
> Hope you enjoy it!

The corridors were silent. The white walls, and plain chairs seeming to do nothing to help the mood of anyone sat in the hospital. Izzy and Jace sat hugging each other, while Alec, Maryse and Robert were sat off to one side, everyone silent except the odd sniffle that escaped, usually from one of the children in the room. 

Alec had just turned 17, his birthday was just 2 days ago, and mostly it had been a good few days since, with the exception of his parents telling him that now he was almost an adult, it was time to find himself a girlfriend. 

But now, three days later, they sat in the hospital room, waiting for any news at all. They had been pulled out of school in the last lesson of the day by the principle. 

"There's been an accident, and you're mother's coming to get you." Jia had said quietly. Her tone had given nothing away as to what the incident was. "I've already passed the message down to your teachers." They sat in silence in Jia's room for 10 minutes before Maryse showed up at the door, looking flustered, shocked and, Alec thought, a little scared. 

It was while they were on the way to the hospital that they were finally told what was going on.

"There was a hit and run driver that went around the school car park. We don't know what Max was doing out there, but..." Her voice fell silent. Alec looked across at his mother from his seat in the front of the car and frowned, moving his hand to wipe away one of her tears. Behind him, he could hear Jace whisper something quietly to Izzy.

"Is he...?" Alec's voice was quiet, he knew he didn't actually want to know the answer, but at the same time, he had to.

Maryse didn't reply till they were stopped in the hospital car park. None of them had moved out of the car, and they were all watching her expectantly. Alec could tell that Izzy was barely holding herself together at just the thought of losing Max, and Jace was resting his arm around her shoulder, ready to pull her in for a hug if he needed to. 

"The doctor's think he's not going to make it." She said, her voice breaking. Alec forced himself to swallow as the rest of his body froze, as if everything was going in slow motion, and his sister's shout seemed faded. His sight was unfocused as he stared ahead, thinking about what his mother had just said.

After that, they went up to the hospital ward, where they were now sat, waiting any news about Max. Jace hadn't let go of Izzy the whole time, offering her what comfort he could. They had tried to pull Alec with them, but he had tugged his arm away from them and gone to the corner, staring at the white wall in front of him, his eyes remaining unfocused till he forced them to see clearly. His mother and father had sat near him, but not next to, and Alec could feel the distance. It stung. 

A Doctor appeared in front of them for a few minutes, explaining that they could go and see him. Alec didn't move, instead Maryse and Robert went to the room, leaving Alec with Jace and Izzy.

"Alec?" The voice sounded distant even though Jace and Izzy had, tentatively, moved closer. "Hey, Alec?" Jace said again, putting his hand on Alec's arm. "Can you hear me?" Alec's eyes slowly focused on Jace. "Come on bro, you need to snap out of it." Jace's voice still sounded distant, and Alec slowly realised his breathing was jagged and uneven, and his body was shaking. "It's okay, Alec. Just take a few breaths."

Izzy's hands were suddenly around his face, centring his head in front of hers, making sure their eyes met. "Breathe, Alec." Izzy said softly, nudging Jace so she could sit on his knees in front of their oldest sibling. "Did you need me to guide you?" Izzy asked, watching his face for any sign of recognition. There was none. "Alec, breathe in with me." She said, then breathed in deeply exaggerating the movement. She held it till Alec copied, and then silently counted to three, before saying, "breathe out." She watched Alec copy her, and then repeated the movements for a few minutes. Slowly they saw Alec gain control of himself, his focus coming back to his eyes as he took in his siblings. They could see the slight fear in his face as he stared at them.

"It's okay, Alec," Jace's voice was softer than normal, "you're okay."

Alec nodded mutely at them both, turning his eyes back to the white wall. He could face his siblings, not now.

There was an awkward silence that settled between them, broken only when their parents reappeared telling them to go and see Max. They could tell Maryse had been crying, her eyes distinctly redder than Roberts. 

Alec stayed silent when they went into Max's room, letting Izzy and Jace get the seats next to his bed while Alec stayed standing near the door. He didn't want to look at Max, and for a second he pretended that he was just sleeping, until Izzy started crying, her whole body shaking as she leant over Max, trying to wrap her arms around him.

There were no words said between them, Jace again put an arm around Izzy. Alec slowly went to Izzy's side, his eyes focusing on her instead of his youngest brother. He put his hands in her hair, running them down her back, trying to comfort her, and she leaned back into him, only just giving Alec full view of Max.

He looked rather peaceful, Alec noted, despite the tubes that were running through his throat, and the drips that were in him. He could see Max's chest slowly rising and falling, and a breath of relief slipped through his lips, despite the fact he knew it was aided breathing. There wasn't a lot of evidence of him being hit by a car, except for the grazing along his face and the eye that was steadily turning black.

The door opened behind them, and the three siblings looked up as the doctor walked in, followed by their parents. They both had a dead look in their eyes, and it sent a chill down Alec. Instead of looking at his parents, Alec studied the doctor for a minute, he was sure he recognised her.

"Hello, I'm Charlotte Loss, Max's doctor." When she mentioned her name, he realised why he knew her. Mrs Loss was one of the parents of one of his class mates, Caterina. She'd also come to school some times to teach the students some emergency response things. Alec had enjoyed it, but a lot of people groaned when that happened. Charlotte looked at them silently for a minute. There was no smile on her lips, her whole body seemed tense, and Alec thought she looked ready to cry. "The hit managed to break some of his ribs, and it has pierced his lung." They could tell she was trying to keep herself void of emotion. "It's not something we can fix. If he were a little older, and his body had grown at bit more, he might have been better off, but unfortunately children's bones aren't as strong." 

Alec zoned out again. He felt Izzy gripping tightly onto his shirt. He knew that they were both in tears, and he could see Jace's eyes were wet too. Behind the doctor, Maryse and Robert both had a few tears falling, though they were not seeking any comfort from each other, unlike their children.

"How long?" Alec asked suddenly, not knowing if he was interrupting anything or not, but he had to know.

"We will remove the tubes tonight. After that..." Alec felt himself start to shake again. His arms tightened around Izzy, and she turned around pressing her head into his chest.

Maryse and Robert left again, giving their children some peace and quiet, to say goodbye. None of them said much, letting their tears out instead. There would be other moments to say goodbye. Right now, they just wanted to sit with their baby brother.

"Why him?" Was the most commonly whispered thought, and one of the few that came with no response. They didn't move until the doctor came back to them, Maryse and Robert following, letting them know that it was time. 

Jace moved first, kissing Max on the cheek, admitting he loved the little soldier - Max had always loved soldiers when he was younger. 

Izzy went next. She leant forward, her whole body shaking as she kissed him on the forehead. "You should've listened to us Max," Her voice was faint, almost unintelligible from the irregular breathing that her sobs had created. "I love you, my baby boy." She ran out of the room before anything else could be said, Jace quickly following when he noticed that no one else was.

"Maxwell," Alec said, his voice breaking. "I love you, my baby brother, always. Never forget that, wherever you may go, you'll always be my brother. I love you, Maxwell Joseph Lightwood."

Alec didn't run out the room. He couldn't. He stayed there, holding his brothers hand, rubbing circles against his wrist, while his parents said their goodbyes. He didn't hear what they said, it was all white noise, with the steady beating of the heart monitor in the background. Alec's hands clasped tightly around one of Max's, and he subconsciously started pinching the skin of his hand, not paying any attention to anything except the constant bleeping. He didn't even notice when his parents left the room.

Alec was still sat in the same position when a gentle hand rested on his shoulder. It was the doctor, Charlotte. She sat beside Alec for a few minutes, studying his face. "You don't have to stay in here," she said quietly. Alec shook his head.

"I do. I can't." He took a deep breath, "I can't leave him. Not now. Not alone."

"He must've been a very lucky young man to have a brother like you, Alec." Without any control, Alec's eyes welled up, a few tears immediately slipping down his face, but he made no move to wipe them away, keeping his hands wrapped around Max's, as if it would help give him life. "Do you want a few more minutes?" She asked, her voice staying soft.

Alec took a few more deep breaths, trying to allow himself to breathe. "N-no," Alec eventually got out. "It will just make it harder," he admitted quietly to himself. 

"You're a brave man," Charlotte smiled gently at him, gently squeezing his shoulder as she stood up. 

"How long will he have... after...?" Alec asked, his voice sounding broken. 

Charlotte looked at him apologetically. "I can't be certain, but for most people it's within the first few hours. It could be days, but that is very unlikely." Alec just nodded. He heard the switch being turned off, and watched as Charlotte left the room, pausing at the door to say, "A nurse will be here shortly, and I'll let your family know." Alec nodded again. "Is there anything else I can do for you, Alec?"

Alec shook his head, his body shaking, "Thank you Mrs Loss."

Jace appeared at the door after about 15 minutes. The beeping of the heart monitor still being heard in the background, but it was slower than it had been earlier. Jace sat next to Alec, putting his hands over the top of Alec's. "Talk, Alec. He'll feel better if we talk to him." Jace's voice was gentle. It wasn't what he was used to from Jace, always the tough one, ready to tell you to suck it up. But then, Jace's parents had died, and Alec and Izzy had been ones to help him through that, so maybe he knew what it was like.

"I've got a confession." Alec said slowly. His tears had mostly dried up, his voice now steady, but rough. He didn't look at Max or Jace while he spoke. "I never told you, Max, and I want you to hear before..." he cut himself off, looking at the beeping machine. Suddenly he wasn't scared. In over a year he hadn't told a single person out of fear, but he wanted his brother to know who he was before he... "Max, I'm gay." Alec said. The beeping still audible in the background as Alec turned his head to face Jace. "I couldn't let him go without telling him." Alec's eyes stung again, but this time there were no tears.

"You know he's proud of you right now, right?" Jace almost whispered to Alec. "So am I. And I know I can say this for both of us - We love you, Alec." They fell silent, both pairs of eyes falling on Max. It was a few minutes before Jace spoke again. "Mum and Iz are in the waiting room. Dad's gone home." It was a simple fact, but it made Alec's heart sink further.

No more words were said, because no one knew what to say. The nurse was in and out every few minutes. Usually staying in longer than he'd disappear for. Jace and Alec stayed side by side, both hands covering Max's. The gentle background beeping was the only noise in the room. They could tell it was getting slower.

It was only another five minutes before it changed, the flatline noise almost startling in the silent room. Alec felt himself shaking again as several Nurses and Doctors showed up in the ward. He could see the pitying looks that were sent his and Jace's way. And then everything in front of him was moving, and the only solid thing in the room was Jace. Alec didn't realise he'd collapsed against him. His body shaking violently. There were tears again now too, and his body was quickly covered in a cold sweat.

Jace's arms wrapped tightly around Alec, trying to give him some strength. Without Alec realising, Jace started walking them out of the ward, and to the waiting area. There, Izzy collapsed into the pair of them, and Jace, the only one who was in control, wrapped his family together as best as he could. He knew and understood the pain of losing a loved one, and at just 8, Max had touched all their lives so much, he knew they needed some strength.

*-*

It had been just over two weeks. Robert had carried on with work almost straight away, Maryse had taken a week and then had to go back. Jace had managed a full day of school just three days after, and Izzy still couldn't manage a full day. Alec, however, hadn't even moved out of his room, despite the coaxing from Izzy and Jace. They brought food up, and ate with him when their parents allowed it. They tried to force him to shower, but he never wanted too; and they regularly opened his curtains, just for him to close them again as soon as they left.

Today marked three weeks since Alec's birthday, and 18 days since... Today was the funeral. There was a group of people in their living room that Alec had no interest in interacting with, instead sitting at the top of the stairs, watching. He had been told that with Jace they were the front two Pallbearers. Alec didn't think he'd manage to get the whole way to the front of the ceremony, but he hadn't had a choice. As it happened, having Jace constantly standing beside him, holding his hand when he needed it, got him through.

Now though, they were back for the wake, and Alec sat alone at the top of the stairs, people passing beneath him shooting him looks of pity, but he barely noticed, he just stared ahead at the blank wall. There were times when Izzy or Jace would sit with him, they both offered him food, but he declined every time. He couldn't get Max out of his mind. Baby Max just after he'd been born, toddler Max wanting to play with Alec whenever Alec was free, wanting Alec to read to him, and then as he got older, help him with his homework. 

He felt a gentle touch on his cheek, and his eyes focused back on Izzy.

"I can't do this anymore, Iz. I just can't." Alec's voice was hoarse from lack of use or crying, neither of them knew.

"We can, Alec, we can get through this together, one day at a time." Izzy's voice was strong, certain, and Alec wished he believed her.

"It'd be better if I just didn't exist anymore." He said. It was the first time he'd admitted it out loud, this feeling, the constant idea in his head. If he didn't exist, neither would this unbearable pain. 

Izzy had to fight with the tears that were suddenly threatening to fall as she moved in front of Alec so their eyes met - "Don't you dare, Alexander Lightwood. You are loved, and wanted, and needed. You are strong enough to get through this." There was a pause, and when Izzy spoke again, it was with a quiet, vulnerable voice. "We just lost..." She sucked in a shaky breath, "I can't lose you too, Alec. I can't."

Alec and Izzy both lent forwards at the same time, pulling each other into their arms as they let their tears flow down their cheeks. "I was too late, Iz, I should've told him ages ago." The regret in Alec's voice was palpable, and Izzy tugged him closer. "He was my brother, and he never really knew the real me."

Together, Izzy and Alec comforted each other. They were both the ones that had looked after Max the most once he was out of the baby age. They kept watch of him when he was younger, took him to his first ever day of school and made sure he always did his homework. They sat with him and watched his favourite shows, Alec taught him how to tie his shoe laces, Izzy had taught him how to spell his own name. They both read to him at night, and comforted him when he was upset or scared. They may've been young, but since he was about 3, Izzy and Alec felt like they'd practically raised Max. Tiny Max, who'd turned 8 barely a month ago.

Alec remembered holding him for the first time, the little bundle being placed so gently into his arms by the nurse in the maternity ward. Izzy was sat next to him, gently picking away at Max's fingers. They both commented on how little he was, but they both knew how much their hearts had just expanded, just for him.

Alec jerked himself and stood up quickly, startling Izzy as he did so. "I need to get out of here."

Without another word, without even glancing at Izzy, Alec ran out of the house, he just ran, letting the thudding of his feet spur him on. He didn't realise where he was going until his body stopped, his mind catching up a few minutes later. He was resting against the railing at the bridge, it was the only one in Idris, and most people never went over it, but Alec had a few times, when he'd had family holidays. 

There was something in him that told him to climb over the railing, and he did, giving into the impulse in his body. His feet were surprisingly steady on the beam underneath him. It was around 15 centimetres in width, and Alec's shoes hung over the edge.

He didn't do anything, letting his body sag against the railing behind him. He just felt weak, so weak that he couldn't end the pain he felt. Alec sighed, wishing for something to take the pain away, though he knew nothing would come.


End file.
